I Hate Myself For Loving You
by Akuma-Chibi
Summary: Kagome is like all mothers...she loves her son, but...maybe too much. This is the truth of Near...Nate River's story...before Whammy's.


**I Hate Myself For Loving You**

**Summary: Kagome is like all mothers...she loves her son, but...maybe too much. This is the truth of Near...Nate River's story...before Whammy's.**

**Anime –****Death Note/InuYasha**

**Main Couple – Kagome/Near**

**Genre – Forbidden Love/Incest/Angst**

**Rated – M**

**Me:****So...I don't normally write Disclaimers...and my reasoning is simple really. Why point out what should be obvious? Well, that doesn't make any difference really to the story. I just wanted to say that I hope you all enjoy this fic. I've been...**_**craving**_**...this fic for a while.**

**A/N Warning: Just in case no one caught it in the**_**Genre**_**...this**_**is**_**an INCEST fic! ^-^" Enjoy~**

**_-x-x-x-_**

_**Sweet Dreams**_

**_-x-x-x-_**

Everybody's looking for something.

Some of them want to use you,

some of them want to get used by you.

Some of them want to abuse you,

some of them want to be abused.

**_-x-x-x-_**

Near glanced to the left, the feel of eyes on him drew his attention away from his puzzle that he'd been working on for the last past thirty minutes. It was completely white, no one knew why he only solved white puzzles, he never told anyone why. L assumed it was the _challenge_ that left him wanting to solve nothing but these blank puzzles, but he was wrong. Mello assumed it was his way of showing off; some...childish means of bragging about his title as number one. He personally couldn't care less, about challenges, titles, self-proclaimed rivals. Matt didn't have much of an opinion on it, more like, he just agreed with Mello on anything and everything. Not that Near cared about becoming the next L, but he knew he had nothing to worry about from the hacker, he was too loyal to Mello, and too lazy. He cared for nothing but his video games and computer. Now, again, Near didn't care about that. He thought very little about L, or becoming L; he had no choice but to think about Mello, what with him practically breathing down his neck for any chance to cause harm or insult his intelligence or personality.

In truth, Near enjoyed playing with his toys, doing his puzzles, and keeping to himself for his own...personal reasons. His reasons...his dreams...the longer he distracted himself from what was...what had been, what he'd done...what..._she'd_...done...he could hide it from everyone. He could hide it from L, Mello, Matt...everyone...no one would ever know, they didn't need to! ...he knew L...L knew...he knew everything...realistically...he knew better than to believe he could hide it from him, the worlds greatest detective...L.

"Oi, sheep boy...you seem a little distracted,"

"..." Near looked up to see Mello standing just a few feet away from him, hands on his hips as he stared down at him assiduously. It was something Near admired Mello for, he was constantly studying, as if it was all that mattered. His persistence was something to be looked highly upon. "Mello...has something that he needs?" He saw it coming, his teeth grinding against each other, a show of irritation, annoyance. He watched Mello pull out a chocolate bar, unwrap it, and in only a way that Mello could, bit into the bar and produce that **_SNAP_** sound. Then he stared...Near hated this...more than anything else Mello did, he hated the staring, like he was being evaluated, or like Mello was trying to read him, but it was merely a stare of dominance, of power...even though Near knew that, Mello's eyes would always have a negative effect on him. "Mello shouldn't look at me that way..."

Mello blinked out of his stare, "Huh? How am I staring...?"

"...it's not 'how'...it's that you 'are'..."

Mello clenched his hands tightly, squishing his chocolate bar in his hands. "What, are you too good to be looked at now?"

Near heard him move closer before being knocked backwards against the wall, "Mello...!" He spoke so suddenly, he surprised himself, "That...that isn't how I meant for it to sound..." Near looked around, it was empty, everyone was outside. "Your eyes...I don't like them!"

**-x-x-x-**

Mello was shocked; he'd never had anyone say that they didn't like his eyes. On the contrary, everyone loved them, how expressive they were...the color...everything! He went to yell or to scream, something...but the cause of his aggravation...was M.I.A. "Damn..." He looked at his hand and mentally cursed at the melting chocolate. _'This pisses me off...not only am I down a chocolate bar, I'm also dead bored...I'll go force Matt to do his homework.'_

**-x-x-x-**

Near was huddled in the corner of his room, it was lucky on his part that first, second and third at Whammy's got their own room, everyone else was placed in shared rooms. That was why he continued keeping first place; he would never have to worry about a roommate, which means no one would ever know of his dreams...or his nightmares. Near curled up in the corner, dressed in his white satin pajama's, head tucked into his arms, only a fluff of white curls visibly stood out from all the white. A small, Ty stuff animal, a white lamb, was held gently in his grasp. In this way...he fell victim once more to sleep...dreams and nightmares alike replayed in his unconscious mind...memories became vivid in there black and white state...the whispered words written on the, at one time, blank heart of the Ty, found there way once more into the darkness of his mind.

_I'll love you forever, Nate..._

_As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be..._

_Never forget, Mama._

**-x-x-x-**

**_Dreamscape_**

**-x-x-x-**

_"Nate!" A woman with black hair that fell well past her shoulders, and expressive, baby blue eyes that lit up like starlight, ran up to the three year old boy who stared at her expectantly. Almost as if he was saying 'Well? I'm waiting...pick me up!'. She did of course, she always did. Nate Rivers, at the time, three year old son of Kagome and Eric Rivers. Kagome was a graduate from To-oh University when she moved to Russia for an overseas education in 1985 of December 20, specifically in languages. She knew twelve languages fluently, including: Japanese, as her home language, English, Russian, French, Polish, Italian, Spanish, Hungarian, Chinese, Vietnamese, Spanish and Old Latin. She met Eric Rivers; a young college professor at MSU, or, Moscow State University, where she studied foreign linguistics. There, the two had a quiet romance for four years when Eric proposed one week after she graduated from MSU; and only a month after, Nate River's was conceived on a passionate night on the beach. Seven months later; August, 24, 1991, Nate River's was born as a premature baby, with two loving parents, both geniuses, and both ready to prepare their son for all realities of the world...but there were some things...that even Kagome and Eric...weren't prepared for._

_Watching from a distance, Near watched it play out. A memory he'd seen many times over and then some. This was his earliest memory of his mother. This caring woman who had held him close in her arms...had become something...else~_

_~-x-x-x-~_

_"Nate...mama loves you so much! You're so adorable!" She gushed, holding him in her lap as she coddled him. Near watched as his childhood self smiled a 'real' happy smile. One not forced to hide secrets, or shy away from kids his own age. Nate Rivers was a happy little boy...at one time..._

**_~BANG~BANG~BANG~BANG~_**

**-x-x-x-**

**_End Dreamscape_**

**-x-x-x-**

Near jumped out of his unconscious state, his mind took a moment to process what exactly had awoken him when he heard the loud banging again.

**_~BANG~BANG~_**

**_"NEAR!"_**

Near shrunk back a little before carefully standing and moving to his closet where he hid farther back and behind his silk pajama bottoms and silk pajama tops.

**_~BANG~BANG~BANG~_**

**_"Damn it...OPEN UP!"_** Mello was loud, and cursing, he was mad. Although...he always cursed...and he was always loud...but he didn't normally pound on his door like this, **_"NEEEEEEEAR~! I don't really want to see you either, but I have no choice, get your ass up! Roger wants to talk with you!"_**

_'Oh...Roger, that's logical. Though...I wonder what for...' _Near shimmied his way out of his closet, opening the door to see a pissed off Mello, fuming and seething at being ignored; Near placed a finger gently to his hair, and in a fluid motion, locked a white curl around his finger before twirling in. "Mello should be more respectful to those trying to sleep."

"Oh, wow, first sign that you're human..." He scoffed, "No one here thought you slept...in fact, I'm still not one hundred percent sure that you do."

"If I didn't sleep, I'd constantly be sick."

"Well, you are a sickly pale color...maybe you are sick." Mello laughed, "Might even be contagious."

Near gave a blank stare, he did not like how that sounded. He wasn't contagious, not even close! He sped up a little and Mello did the same to keep up, mocking him all along the way. Really, he didn't know what it was that Mello hated so much about him, but he wished it didn't exist! That would save him a lifetime, for however long it is, of grief caused by one blue eyed, blonde haired Russian with an obsession for black!

**-x-x-x-**

**(Elsewhere)**

**-x-x-x-**

_"Doctor...it's been three years..."_

_"We take her off when he stops supporting her."_

_"Who, Doctor?"_

_"...I'm not really sure myself." _A check laid helplessly in the old doctors hands as he looked the price over. It was more than enough, each check was five thousand, and this was once every month. The woman, after three years of checks, had accumulated 180,000 dollars in payment for hospital bills. Truthfully though, if the old Doctor was honest with the nurse, the hospital checks were only half of what kept the patient in the hospital after three years of no change. There was also a dark shadow hovering over him. Take into account that the one sending the checks had obviously learned of it, and was well equipped in bribery, seeing as how he too received a 5,000 dollar check ever other month in compensation for, not only keeping her there but keeping his moth shut about the mystery man paying the bills, he would continue. _"As long as he keeps paying, she'll keep living...when those checks stop...you can pull the plug."_

_"Saying it like that Doctor..."_

_"Like you care,"_

_"N-no...I was thinking...you sound so commanding...and...solid,"_

_The old Doctor smirked; the nurse next to him was obviously one of those on the 'night shift'. "Nurse, turn around and press up against the dear...patients bed...I'll, show you just how solid I can be."_

**-x-x-x-**

**(Whammy's Orphanage)**

**-x-x-x-**

Near stared at Roger, wondering what kind of...grim joke...he was trying to play on him. Since when was _he_ the fall back for _Mello_! MELLO! Alright, so according to Roger, Mello's room was completely flooded from a kid playing a dumb prank, so he needed to room with someone. _That_ was understandable...GO SLEEP WITH MATT!

"If you don't mind, could you tell me...why not Matt?"

What? You didn't really think he'd _tell_ Mello to go and sleep with his computer savoir-faired friend, did you?

"Ah...Matt has come down with a rather...grisly bug."

Near stared blankly, "Is he dying?"

"...no...he's not,"

At this point, Near could feel the hot glare coming from the blonde beside him. The beastly little rabbit that had led him down this conflagration. "If he isn't dying, than I see no reason why Mello can't stay with him. L will side with me; no one is to stay in my room. L's orders, take it up with him. Until I hear otherwise, from him, I won't consent! I'll lock him out!"

Truly, the most either had heard spoken from him, but he was resolute about this. No one could know! No one! L knew everything, no matter how much Near wish he could deny the fact, he knew, and Near knew he knew. Mello was now just staring at him, an unfamiliar look in his eyes, one that caught Near off guard...is was a look of hurt.

**_"Near,"_**

Near turned his head to the laptop on Roger's desk and closed his eyes somberly. _"...L...you've been there this entire time?"_ It was softly spoken, but the three heard it.

**_"Yes, Mello will be staying with you, but under one condition, he can't fight with you. If he yells once, report it, and he will be placed in one of the neophyte rooms, and barred from any form of chocolate for the next year. Is that agreeable?"_**

"...he'll be out of there before morning; his failure, or lack of ability to talk without yelling makes an easy success in my case. I will agree."

Mello was once more glaring, only this time at the laptop facing Roger, "What the hell L! Aren't there rules for this albino, anti-social, sheep to fallow?"

**_"Under the circumstances...he'll have enough to deal with, he won't be near you long enough to get in trouble. I'd be more surprised if he even went to his room during the duration of the maintenance cleaning up your room and fixing your bathroom. Near?"_**

"I will return once I know he is gone."

**_"...then good luck, to both of you."_**

It went quiet and Roger could only stare at the overly expressive and unexpressive boys before him.

"..." Near left, Mello followed. Near walked into his room, Mello followed. Near grabbed a bag and emptied his puzzle inside, grabbed a blanket, a pillow and a new change of pajama's, then silently left. Mello did not follow. He sat down on Nears bed and stared at the wall across from him. The room was mostly white, the sheets, the carpet, the walls, the toys...the stuffed ones, anyways. One of which, was lying on the spotless floor, unlike the others that sat perched on the white shelves. It was, a baby sheep, or...a lamb.

_'How fitting, sheep boys favorite toy is a lamb. Hmm?'_ He opened the heart attached to the Ty's ear, "I'll love you forever, Nate...As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be...Never forget, Mama? Well, there's your proof, he's human. Born and raised...mostly...unless of course, his mom wasn't human, that means he really isn't human. Uhg, I think such stupid things when I'm left to my own devices! I shouldn't have fucking kicked that damn pipe! But it's also Matt's fault, being sick and all...DAMN~!" He picked the lamb up and laid back on Near's bed, letting sleep take him as he draped his arm over his eyes, hand still tightly clutching the toy.

**-x-x-x-**

Near frowned; there weren't many sights that could perturb him, so when he see's something and it sends chills down his spine, he really get's creeped out.

_'Fleece...'_ Near went to touch the white lamb clutched tightly in the blonde's hand. He wasn't sure what to do about this...new turn of events. He couldn't sleep without the toy, and he didn't want to abandon it with the high-strung fair-haired bully sleeping in his bed. _'...' _He stopped short of touching the lamb's paw and pulling it out of the boys' hand, retracting his hand, he sunk silently to his knees and sat staring. He wasn't sure why he didn't just take it, but...he didn't want to wake the...finally quiet...boy from his slumber. It was just...so rare. However, he also couldn't leave without the lamb, so...he would remain there, for as long as he had to.

Well...that was his plan...unfortunately for him he had ended up leaning his head against the white Egyptian sheets that were slightly askew with the body atop them. His eyes had drifted shut and his hand...subconsciously...had taken hold of Mello's, well, the lamb, but it was through Mello's hand that he held it.

As the sun began to sneak up on the two genius prodigies, hell began to settle around them. There were sure to be heated fires, come the morning light.

**-x-x-x-**

**Me: Hope everyone enjoyed! This is going to probably disturb a lot of you, but I'm hoping you will see past that and continue reading! It will end pleasantly! ...I think...**


End file.
